.:: Panta Rhei ::.

Coming out of my cage

2005-09-24T15:23:00.000-07:00

It's strange. I've never really been much of a social person. I mean, I like going out from time to time, but I've always believed myself to be way too shy to go out on a regular basis. I still believe that, and I do occasionally have a hard time functioning around people I don't know well.

I have been trying to do better, though, little bit by little bit.

It helps that I've moved in with a couple who likes to go out and do things. M in particular. :) It gets me out of the apartment much more than I used to. The weeks may be quiet, but the weekends, we actually do some stuff.

If I were still at home, or in Houston...the extent of my going out would be to get some fast food dinner, or visiting family.

Now, I do things like eat out, go to the movies and check out street festivals. It's not much yet, but it's a start. :)

Yesterday, we went to the Magnolia Cafe. I had the Cabo san Lucas, one of the house specialties with mushrooms and zucchini. I wish I were more of a photographer to offer pictures, but I'm not (plus I don't have a digital camera). You'll have to settle for me saying that it was pretty good. ;)

After dinner, we came home, and M and I decided to go see a movie. We settled on Corpse Bride. It was a cute; I liked it. I would probably not buy it, but I'd definitely see it again. It was quite pretty, though! And I liked the music. I'd recommend seeing it at least once.

That's another thing I don't do very often...go to the movie theater and see movies. See NEW movies, no less. It can be a little wearing on the wallet, but it is definitely worth it to get out of the apartment for a couple of hours of recreational movie watching.

Earlier this afternoon, we headed to 6th Street and the Old Pecan Street Fall Arts Festival. It was hot, and by the time we got home, I was tired, worn out, a little hungry and my feet hurt, but I still enjoyed walking through the crowds and looking at the different booths of art, trinkets and jewelry. It's just my thing! I've always enjoyed doing that, and now I have someone else to go with. I wound up purchasing a pretty choker necklace with a cute dragonfly set with black and really dark red stones for 5$, and a small little pewter dragon on a pretty stone (marble?) for 4$. I collect dragon statues/statuettes, so it's right at home on my bookshelf.

Despite the heat and the crowds of people, and all the walking (I have tanlines on my feet from my flipflops!), I thought it was a nice way to pass the afternoon.

This time around, Austin feels so different. I lived here for a little over 2 and a half years....but I rarely left campus. Outside of what I could immediately walk to, or where my mom, my sister and I went to when they visited me, I never really got a chance to see the city. It's all different this time. I'm living with a couple who are just as new to Austin as I am. I can still get excited about going to this place or that place for the first time, or for the second time because the first time was over 5 years ago. It makes me happy to live with people who share similar interests, who want to go see the same things I might want to...who actually do go to these places.

I feel more free now than I have in a long time.

Starting Over. Again

2005-09-20T21:01:00.000-07:00

This blog is probably overdue for an update....so here goes.

I'm finally in Austin. Home, sweet home.

It feels great to be settling into my own room again. It's MINE. No one else's. I don't have to share it with anyone else, and I don't have to worry about being in someone's way. There's no TV on unless I want it on. The only music played is what I want to hear. I have my privacy again.

Call me selfish if you want, but I am very happy to have space that belongs to no one else but me again. Six weeks is way. too. long. to live out of a suitcase.

The move was relatively painless, actually...considering I've been working on it for a few weeks now. A carload here, a carload there, then one major truckload to get just about everything else up here. I came up with my final load on Saturday, and I've since been spending my time off and on unpacking. I get a little more done with each day, but it's obvious I'm slowing down. I'm running out of steam to continue unpacking...which means a lot of things are staying in boxes.

Like my art supplies.

I'm just making sure I can read my labels, and then sliding them onto one of the shelves in my closet. I don't like doing that, but it helps with storage, anyway. I'm really down to two major boxes, and some miscellaneous items/boxes/bags scattered about my room.

I even already have some of my trinkets out, and some things on the wall. I'm doing everything I can to make myself comfortable in my room. I spend a lot of time in here.

As for things aside from the actual moving process? Well....I'm still adjusting.

It's not like I'm not used to having roommates, this is just different, I guess. My roommates are married, plus there are two cats. So overall, I'm trying to get used to it. I have a feeling it might be awkward for a little longer, but I know that eventually, things will be normal. M has been great, though. It's nice to have someone to chat with from time to time during the day. I need to work on my RL interaction skills, though! I'm so used to typing everything I want to say out, that actually conversing on the same kinds of topics we do online is still weird for me!

But all things in time. :)

So the move went okay, and I'm adjusting to my new home all right....the only thing left on the menu is to find a job. Right now, I'll settle with anything that pays....but I would really love to find something that I want to do, not something I have to do, because there are bills to be paid.

But I guess all the pieces of my life can't fall into place at once, right? There has to be something to work for.

M and I are back to plotting again, too...this time something a little different, and perhaps a little more doable. I look forward to working on it some more. ^_^

I guess that's all for now. I wish I had some spiffy links, or some nice pictures, but I don't. Maybe one of these days I'll turn this into a "proper blog"....until then, you have to settle for journaling. ;)

New Beginnings

2005-08-03T08:09:00.000-07:00

It certainly has been awhile since I posted last. There are less things up in the air with my life, and more definites. And besides, it's been awhile since I've had a genuinely happy post here.

I made the decision about where to next call home. As a matter of fact, it's no longer just a decision, it's a fact. I have a new address all ready for me, I just won't be moving in until September.

I'm going to Austin. It's been settled. I took M up on her offer, and I'll be joining her, her husband and two affectionate cats in September. When I agreed back in June, it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Knowing where I was going to live was solved.

I still need a job, yes...but I have a place to call home. For the moment, that's enough.

It feels like things are slowly falling into place again. I'm excited about my life again. I have so much to look forward to...so many things to accomplish, and it feels good to discover that I can be happy again.

I've been spending too much time lately stressed out and depressed. To finally find myself floating on a cloud again, even if only for a moment...it's enough to keep me pushing forward. I can't wait for September to get here!

I still have a huge list of things to get accomplished, of course. It's not like I have any less to do, it's just that I feel like basking for a moment in the sun. My life feels warm and real again.

It feels like something new.

My life is changing every day. I'm changing every day, and I love it...I really love it.

Home is where...

2005-06-05T01:23:00.000-07:00

Up until I left for college, the only home I had ever known was this small, 2 bedroom, 1 bath house that I grew up in. Across the street, in a two-story house with no central air conditioning lived my grandparents. Next to them, on a huge lawn, lived my three great aunts, and next to them lived my aunt and my cousins.

Sure, the neighborhood I grew up in was a little...scary, but I had the security of family all around me. My aunt and uncle even owned the little house next to ours, which they rented out or stayed in when they visited (which is where their son, my cousin, is currently staying).

That was my life, in the small little subtown of Flour Bluff in Corpus Christi. Fifteen minutes from wonderful beach, five minutes from my school, a short walk from the water of the Laguna Madre. The sunrises were gorgeous, and the night sky had endless stars.

Corpus and this little house I'm in right now was the only home I had ever known. I remember thinking in HS that I needed to get out of here...that I needed something bigger than this laid back city...so I went to a college 4 hours away in Austin.

The fall of 1999 marked a new beginning for me. In the next 6 years that followed, I packed and unpacked all of my belongings over 14 times, and I lived in almost 8 different places, from dorms, to converted study lounges, to apartments (and even a brief stint back home). I have had over 15 roommates (3 of which were family members).

I have become no stranger to pulling up my roots and moving, mostly because I have had no choice. I have been at UFA for over 2 years, and that's the longest I've been anywhere since I first moved into Kinsolving in August of '99.

I've learned how to adapt to different places quickly, and the term "home" has come to mean, very simply, the place that I am sleeping at. There's more to it, of course, but I've discovered that if I'm staying any place for more than a night or two, I will generally refer to it as "home" when I'm out. "Are we going home now? ...I mean, are we going back to [fill in the blank]'s place?"

It's so simple for me now. Home is wherever I need it to be, wherever I have a chance to become comfortable. Those are just the passing "homes," though...but even ignoring those transient homes, I still have two places that I easily refer to as Home. Corpus, of course...my hometown, and Houston (for now).

When I'm in Houston, I talk about going Home, to Corpus....and when I'm in Corpus, Houston is the Home to which I inevitably need to return.

That's just the way things are...and I know I'm not the only one who has called two places home simultaneously. It's just...well, I've been thinking about "home" and where it is a lot lately. It seems everyone in my family expects me to "come home" when my lease is up in August. More than once it has been said, "When you come back..."

I have told them all, again and again, returning to Corpus is a last resort for me. If I cannot find anything, then yes, I will drag myself back to the city I have always loved, but...live at home? No. It's impossible. How? How could I possibly live here again? I can barely survive a month within these walls, and that's even having the knowledge that it's only a "visit"...how could I possibly live in the living room for longer than that? How can they expect that of me?

There is no "going home" for me...not back here to Corpus. Yes, this is my home, and it will always be Home to me, but it's not where I belong. It hurts me to think about that, but there is no life for me here, at least I don't think there is one. I've lived away from here for too long. There is no going back for me.

Ignoring the fact that there would be no place for just my stuff, and the impracticality of me living in the living room, everything here is different. It's not My Home any more. It's called change....living here could never be what it once was.

Everything is different. I am different.

Where is My Home going to be when September gets here?

Disconnected

2005-06-02T01:23:00.000-07:00

It's strange. I have been wanting to sit down and write up an entry for almost a month now...but every time I sit down and try, nothing comes. I feel like I have all this inside I want to post about, and yet...nothing at all. My life is boring and empty, and I really feel is disconnected from everyone and everything around me.

It's been almost a month since graduation. I don't feel any different. I mostly just feel lazy, to be honest. I've been down in Corpus ever since the 15th of May. I really meant to go back to Houston last week...honest I did...but I didn't.

I think part of it is because I don't want to go back. I don't want to face what "being graduated" means...

So I idle at home, doing nothing better with my time but playing World of Warcraft and making cheesy graphics. I watch some TV and some movies and some anime, but it's all mostly nonproductive. What happened to all the plans I had? I don't know. What happened to all the goals I was going to set for myself and work towards? Beats me.

I sit at home almost every day...doing absolutely nothing worthwhile...and I'm too lazy to feel like I need to do anything about it. Frankly, it's beginning to depress me.

I thought I was going to go back to Houston on Monday...but I didn't. And then I figured, hey, why not Tuesday to avoid the mad Memorial Day traffic rush...which didn't pan out. I convinced myself that I wanted to stay and see if I could spend some more time with my dad, but that's not really happening.

I keep making excuses for myself because I don't want to go back to Houston and face the reality I inevitably need to. Here in Corpus, I can disconnect myself from every thing and every one. I don't like losing touch, but at the same time, the avoidance of it all keeps away the reminders that I will eventually have to go back to Houston.

And I do this all the time.

I have to go back this weekend, though. I have to. I cannot leave any choices for myself.

Sometimes it's so hard to make myself disconnect from WoW...for some reason, it's harder to reconnect to the Real World.

That Funny Feeling

2005-04-30T05:09:00.000-07:00

I have been having problems with my tummy for...years now. Off and on, my stomach will just start to bother me. I never know if it's the food that I'm eating, or if my stress levels are up, or if it's some combination of both, or neither. It can get very frustrating, at times. Being unable to sleep because I feel so sick to my stomach, or finding it difficult to have an appetite for anything, when I know it'll just make me feel bad.

But I don't always feel that way, and that is my consolation. There are periods of time, sometimes weeks, where my stomach does not bother me at all. I can eat and drink what I want, because nothing bothers me. I don't even need to keep the Tums stocked or make sure that I still have at least one more dose of Pepto-Bismol.

The past month has not been one of those months, however. Heck, since January, more often than not, some trigger has caused me to feel decidedly sick to my stomach. It's gotten worse in the past week. I have found it difficult to sleep these last few nights because, it doesn't matter what I ate or when, I feel utterly sick to my stomach when I lay down. I passed it off as stress, because my stress levels have been unusually high these past couple of weeks. Papers and articles and reading and tying up of classwork has been keeping me busy. My procrastination tendencies have made sure that my stress level is not wanting.

But my last paper has been sent off...all that now stands between me and graduation is a single, short, oral presentation, and four finals. Once the 9th breezes past me, I will be left with 4 days of anxious waiting and praying...hoping that I didn't manage to royally screw up my chances of graduation.

It's almost over, you see. Graduation is merely 14 days away. Whether my name is called and I crossed that stage at 7pm on the 13th of May is all that is left to be decided....but I do believe that, finally, my time has come.

So what is this funny feeling in my stomach now? Is it still stress? Yes. No doubt about it. I am still worried about my finals, especially for one class in specific. But I'll find a way to get through that. I have faith and hope that yes, I will be crossing that stage a graduate of UHCL in two weeks. But there's something else to this feeling...

I'm anxious...and, yes, for the first time, I can honestly say that I'm excited. I can't sleep because I have a million things running through my mind. I am restless, and that shows in my insomnia and this funny feeling that keeps fluttering in my stomach.

I'm excited. And it makes me smile. Despite everything else I'm feeling...no matter the worry and the fear and the stress and the anxiousness...part of it is excitement.

And that's enough to keep me moving.

Anticipation, that funny feeling inside.

Potpourri (Part II)

2005-04-11T22:41:00.000-07:00

Well, it's not so surprising that I didn't follow up my last entry as soon as I'd like. That's just the way I tend to let things happen. Ah, well. I'm sure this post will probably be in the same vein as I had anticipated my other one being.

Family has been family. It is generally a pleasant break to be out of my apartment and around people I can be comfortable with. It's just so much easier to be myself that way. This past weekend (April 9th & 10th), my family participated in the same arts&crafts fair they participated in last year. More food, less stuff, for their booth (excellent food, I might add...though I own I am probably fairly biased). However, there just seemed to be a lot less people. I don't think they did nearly as well as they had hoped...and so they probably will not be participating next year.

Besides, the restaurant should be up and running by then. *fingers crossed*

The time change that occured a little over a week ago has been very good for me. The turning of the seasons and the advancement of Spring always lifts my spirit. I feel as though I have been hybernating all winter long in the darkness, and now, I have a little light, and I'm starting to wake up again.

Classes have been...eh. I adore my professors, and I love the courses I chose to take this semester...I just...my heart has been out of me for so long. I have in no way done these classes the justice they deserved. The good news is that I am practically caught up in 3 of my 4 courses, and while I actually fear for the fourth class that I have recklessly abandoned, all I can do now is keep plodding along with my work, and hope that in the end, I did enough.

This weekend is most definitely going to be all about writing and reading, though. Without a doubt.

I finally received notification from UHCL about graduation. So long as I "successfully complete" all three of my literature classes, there is nothing that should keep me from graduating this term, as I've been planning on. Most excellent news to hear, let me tell you, and quite the relief. I've been a little anxious that somehow, somewhere along the line, I'd screwed up and miscalculated or something...and that this something would prevent me from finally walking across the stage as a college graduate.

That fear is ended now, and so long as I survive these next few weeks, and so long as my grades manage to come out tolerable....this is it. I also received a notice that my graduation announcements have finally been shipped today. I should have them before the end of the week. Maybe a trip out to spend some time with my mom addressing them this weekend may be in order, so they're out by this coming Monday.

That'd be better than trying to do them all myself.

My moment comes closer and closer with every day that passes. My fear and anxiety and stress levels remain high, but there is still anticipation for what is to come...and that helps to keep me going.

Life doesn't stop, I shouldn't, either.

There. That's it. A little mix of everything.

Potpourri (Part I)

2005-04-06T11:23:00.000-07:00

Things have been up and down with me lately, but on the whole, much better than they have been. The last week has shown me crawling out of my little funk, inch by inch. At the very least, it was better than the prior six weeks...and I'm going to say that's a good thing. It's difficult to keep moving, but eventually, you realize just sinking is stupid, and you give yourself the mental slap you need to trudge onward again.

It probably helps that things have started happening in my life again. Some good, some bad...but they all involve direction. Movement. Ah, it feels so good to be moving again.

A couple of months ago, I placed myself on the waiting list for open auditions for voice actors over at ADV films. They only hold these auditions every now and then, and even then, these auditions are simply to get a tape with the company, which they keep for a year. There is no guarantee you'll get a part, but if an anime comes up, and they decide they want your voice...well...you audition again.

At any rate, I got a phone call a couple of weeks ago letting me know that open auditions were coming up, and if I was still interested, I should call back and make an appointment. I pondered for a bit (almost too long, too), wondering if this was something I really wanted to try. In the end, I told myself I did. This was an opportunity I did not want to miss. It doesn't matter if I don't get picked later on, I could not pass up this chance to do something I'd never done before. And so I called and was scheduled for an audition at 3:40 this past Saturday (the 2nd). Basically, I was told that I would be given a script when I arrived and I'd do a cold reading before one of the directors.

Saturday was beautiful...and when I got to the place, I enjoyed the warmth and the breeze for a moment before heading on in. I signed in, was given some paperwork to fill out and a badge to wear that said I was a visitor, then I went to the back to look over the script and contemplate what I was getting ready to do.

To my surprise, I discovered it would not be a solo reading, but that I would working through the script opposite a male auditioner. Meep! Still, I didn't think it'd be so bad. An even bigger surprise came later, though, when we actually went to the back. I thought we'd be in a room, with chairs and a director to one side. It wasn't...we went into a recording studio with two recording booths and a whole lot of electrical stuff. The director introduced himself and his engineer who would be doing the recordings. He told us what to expect (we'd be shown the original anime footage of the scene, then we'd rehearse through the scene twice before doing a final take). We were put into our own booths (big mic, big headphones, the works!), and we got down to it.

And it was So. Much. Fun. I was crazy nervous, but it didn't matter. Running through the script helped loosen me up a little, and I just enjoyed myself. The entire process was totally painless and a heck of a lot of fun. I would LOVE to do that again some time, and I am so so SO glad I agreed to do it. I don't care if I get picked later, or not. This was a wonderful experience, and should I get a chance to repeat it, I will definitely snatch it up!

I headed on over to my aunts after the audition was over. They were baking and preparing things for this coming weekend, which is a craft show they'll be participating in for the second time. So I decided to hang out over there and relax in my natural high after my auditioning experience.

My family may be crazy at times, and they may drive me nuts, but I love and adore them, and I am so glad that I live close enough to several of them that I can spend some weekends just hanging out there.

As many probably already know, the Pope passed away on Saturday, about 1:30ish, CST. I didn't find out about it until after I had arrived at my aunt's house. I was a little numb, at first. I wasn't sure how to react. It's not as though it was a total surprise; the worse had been expected for some time. That never makes things any easier, though.

I may not be all that active in my religion right now, but my faith has never left me. Besides, you don't have to be Catholic to know and acknowledge the fact that Pope John Paul II was an incredible man who did incredible things. The flame of his life will be sorely missed, now that it has gone out.

After I found out the news, I sort of sat on my aunt's couch for a moment, alone. Then I got up and made my way back to the kitchen. I climbed up on one of the stools and just sat there, watching my mom and one of my aunts working. Eventually, three other aunts and my grandmother came inside, and we turned the little TV that's in the kitchen on. My grandmother and I sat side by side, watching the news on ABC.

I kept tearing up, but I didn't cry. I almost lost it, though, when I looked over at my grandmother to see her silently crying into a kleenex. She would wipe her eyes and sniffle, but she mostly retained her composure.

All I could do was watch the TV and my family around me, and reflect. Death always makes me pause and think, especially when the person was close to me, or meant something to me. I've lost too many people like that this year, and it's only April...but that is the way of things.

We keep pushing on.

At any rate, this post is way longer, and while I have a lot more to say, I think this is enough for now. So stay tuned for Potpourri, Part II! The conclusion! (maybe it'll get posted tomorrow...then again, maybe not >.>)

Out of Sync

2005-03-22T14:56:00.000-08:00

Lately I've been feeling a little out of sync with my life. I mean, I know that I go through moods from time to time, but this is a sort of feeling I haven't felt since I left Austin. Everything feels out of place and wrong somehow, and I don't know what I need to do to correct it.

It doesn't help that I've been feeling miserable since last night, either. I have a feeling I ate something that was bad, because my stomach has been hating me so much.

What bothers me most, though, is not this feeling of being out of touch with reality, but with the effects it's having on everything else in my life. Nothing is getting done. I'm scrambling to get homework finished (and let's face it, working when one is not feeling well sucks and isn't very constructive to getting things accomplished), my room is an absolute mess, and let's not even start in on myself. The mess that I am extends beyond the physical, though. Something just...it just doesn't feel right.

I'm out of sync with my life, and it's destroying me, little by little. I'm trying to grab ahold of the pieces to keep everything from breaking down and falling apart, but it's getting harder and harder to do. I don't know what's wrong...why now? After doing better, after getting better and moving on with my life...why now? What is it that I am missing?

What do I need to do to stop sinking and start moving again?

I need a resynchronization.

Remembrances

2005-03-17T13:04:00.000-08:00

Andre Norton, 1912-2005

Andre Norton passed away today, the 17th of March. Because of her, the "Grand Dame of Science Fiction and Fantasy," my literary roots were so firmly planted into fantasy and science fiction. If it had not been for her novels and the stories she had to tell, I don't believe I would be where I am now, as a writer and reader of fiction.

The first book I ever read by her was 'Ware Hawk, back in junior high. A friend of mine at the time had lent me her copy of Tales from the Witch World 3, and my curiosity about the world was soon piqued. I hunted up some books from the series on my own, and 'Ware Hawk was the first I came across in my school library. After reading it, I was irreversibly hooked on Andre Norton's works, and Witch World became like a second home for me to visit during daydreams.

I've been on a hunt for her Witch World novels ever since, and I'm finally closing in on the complete series...I'm just a few titles short. When I have them all, I plan on sitting down and falling in love with the series all over again.

Andre Norton brought me back to fantasy, and her works have undeniably became a source of inspiration for my own writing. Knowing that she is gone now hurts. It leaves a cold place inside. I may not have ever known her, personally, but I know her work, and I know her stories. They will be a comfort to me, because I know that while her physical form has faded, her literary talents and the stories she's told will live on.

And since she was such a prolific writer, I have plenty of works to read through.

Because someone else can always say it better, from the SFWA news release:

"Andre Norton was born Alice Mary Norton on February 17, 1912, in Cleveland Ohio. She wrote more than 130 novels, nearly one hundred short stories, and edited numerous anthologies in the science-fiction, fantasy, mystery, and western genres. She the first woman to be a SFWA Grand Master and to be inducted in the Science Fiction and Fantasy Hall of Fame. She received Skylark, Barlog, and World Fantasy awards, and was the first woman to win the Gandalf Grand Master of Fantasy award."

"In 1958 she struck out to become a full-time writer. Over the next twenty years she wrote nearly seventy novels, two dozen short stories, and edited several anthologies. One of her most beloved series, Witch World–a wondrous planet reachable through metaphysical gateways–started with a single novel in 1963. More than thirty Witch World titles followed."

"She surrounded herself with books and cats, ending each evening reading in bed with a favorite cat curled next to her. She incorporated her love of both in the many cat anthologies she edited, and in numerous short stories."

"She was quick to recommend good books to friends, and to offer advice to new authors, helping to pave the way for several people to be published. She also instructed hobbyists in the art of making jewelry. Crafting necklaces, bracelets, and earrings became a passion in the last two years of her life when she found it increasingly difficult to write at a keyboard."

And from the Houston Chronicle (must be registered to see):

"Norton requested before her death that she not have a funeral service, but instead asked to be cremated along with a copy of her first and last novels."

"Her last complete novel, Three Hands of Scorpio, is set to be released in April. Norton's publisher, Tor Books, rushed to have one copy printed so that the author, who had been sick for almost a year, could see it."

Andre Norton endlessly showed support for new writers trying to break into the science fiction and fantasy markets. Reading about her and the life she lived makes me smile. I really wish I could have met her.

Rest in peace, Andre Norton. You shall be missed.

It's About Doing What You Love

2005-03-08T14:54:00.000-08:00

I've been meaning to make this post for awhile now...and since I'm procrastinating, I figure now is about as good a time as any. :)

I absolutely love my Medieval Literature course. It's not just because I find the texts we've been reading to be so extremely fascinating, either. Sure, that's a big part of it, but an even bigger part is my professor.

I've had this particular professor before. I took her last semester for 16th and 17th Century Literature, and I enjoyed the class. During the course, she mentioned several times that Medieval literature was her main focus, and when I found out she was going to be teaching Medieval Literature this spring, how could I possibly pass up the chance to take another class with her, especially when I know it covers subject matter she's particularly interested in.

Perhaps interested isn't strong enough of a word. Passionate would be better. My professor is passionate about Medieval literature...and it shows.

You can always tell when someone enjoys and loves the subject they're talking about. It shows in the way they move, act and speak. They're excited by the things they are telling you about, and they want you to be excited about it with them. That's my professor when she's talking about literature, and it's especially true when she's talking about Medieval literature.

I avidly look forward to every class meeting we have, and I deeply regret each class I miss. My professor is so interesting and informed on her topic. She knows her material, but what's even more important is that she loves the material she's teaching. She's passionate about it.

And it's infectious.

That's what I want for my life. I want to eagerly look forward to each day, each moment. I want to be able to share my passions with others, because Lord knows I have more than enough passion to go around. It's unfocused right now, but I'm trying..I'm trying to find my way in this world, my way to living a passionate life and sharing it with others.

I want to have that look in my eye and that smile on my face whenever I walk out the door. I want to make other people excited about what I get excited about, simply because the fire that burns within me catches hold of them.

I don't think that's such an unreachable dream.

Fragility

2005-02-21T09:57:00.000-08:00

My tia, my great aunt, passed away Saturday night. I did not find out until late Sunday morning. She'd been in the hospital for almost 2 weeks. She was 87 years old. She never married. I lived all my life across the street from her, her older sister, and their sort-of adopted younger sister.

I have no words, no emotion. I feel blank.

I was all right for most of yesterday, as I was kept busy and occupied...but in the car, when things would get quiet, I would start to tear. Later, when I was alone in the car, heading home, I kept starting to cry.

Working on my homework has been very difficult. I can't...concentrate. I can't seem to focus enough. The paper I wrote is quite possibly one of the worst I've ever written, but I can't seem to find the energy or desire to put forth the effort and concentration I need to write well.

I haven't slept except for a short 2 hour nap early last night. I feel as though I'm moving through a dark fog. My mind is a total blank, and when I stop, I feel....overwhelmed.

My thoughts are too disconnected to finish.

Passion: To Suffer

2005-02-15T04:26:00.000-08:00

I'm still avoiding my paper (Me? A procrastinator? Nah...), and I started leafing through the Figure magazine I picked up at Lane Bryant this past weekend. There is an article in this issue called "Mistaken Identity" by Sarah Bronson.

The article began, "I'd wanted to be a high-school English teacher since I was in the tenth grade." My attention was caught, and so I read on. The article hit a little close to home. Though our circumstances were different, the basis of the story is the same.

"What do you do when your lifelong dream makes you miserable?" is the tagline for the article. What, indeed? I had wanted to go into Chemical Engineering since I was in the tenth grade. I thought that it was my passion. I thought that to abandon the path I was on, the calling I thought I was supposed to follow, would brand me a failure.

But it didn't then, and it doesn't now. The last paragraph of the article feels so...familiar. So me.

"Ironically, the word passion comes from the Latin root "to suffer." I'm glad that I followed my passion for teaching, because I grew from the experience as much as my students did. Some might say I was a quitter, but I don't agree. Giving up my dream was a test of faith, proof of my belief that when one door closes, another opens. It might take a while, but ultimately, if we leave ourselves open to creative ways of applying our passions, a new voice will whisper, showing us the way."

Life has a funny way of showing you at the oddest moments that you are not alone.

Trying to Survive

2005-02-14T22:19:00.000-08:00

My mood has been a little more than subdued lately. Just when I think I'm pulling out of the muck, something bogs me down again. I suppose that I do it to myself, really. I trip myself up, almost as though I believe that I should make myself suffer.

Hey, it's supposed to make us stronger, right? Or something like that.

There are many, many, many things on my mind lately. So many, that I would not even begin to know where to start detangling the thoughts in my head. And it's starting to effect my ability to concentrate. I can no longer focus on anything. I had a hard enough time managing to sit still long enough to get my reading done, but trying to discipline myself long enough to get started on the paper I have due...well...that still hasn't managed to happen yet, although I do have an idea how to proceed with it. I hope.

I'm just glad it's not an overly long paper. I'll manage to get something written up, especially as the topic I've chosen is a nice one that I could easily work with.

===
My great aunt has been in the hospital for over a week now. She's...not improving. It's difficult to see her like that. I don't like hospitals to begin with, so visiting a loved one just makes it harder. But no improvement. I know that she's old, and I've been trying to steel myself for a possibility that could happen, that I don't want to happen, that I don't know if I could handle right now...but it could happen. It's just....difficult. With everything going on right now, mostly in my head, it's very, very difficult.
===

It's hard to get up in the morning, again. I'm getting tired of these crazy emotions I've been having to deal with. I just want to put them in a box for awhile. I just want to forget...

Other news worth noting, I suppose...I finally received my rejection letter from Lynx Eye. I knew it was coming, just a matter of when, and strangely, it doesn't bother me all that much. I knew the piece of fiction I sent off wasn't really ready, but it will be, some day. Rejection doesn't get any easier, but having now received my second "official" rejection letter, it doesn't seem so bad. Maybe I really do need to start mailing off more submissions and query letters, I mean, you never know, right? Toughens up the skin, and whatnot. Perhaps this rejection letter doesn't bother me so much because I'm already in a crappy mood...and it came with mail that included a check from the school, so hey, life's not always that bad.

I'll take whatever good I can take, at this point, anyway.

Just a few more days, that's all I need to get through. M's flight comes in on Friday, and there's a small possibility my sister may decide to come on up, too. It's something to look forward to, at any rate. Hopefully that'll be enough to keep me moving.

I just need purpose, after all.

I really should probably get back to that paper...

Barely Treading Water

2005-02-07T19:57:00.000-08:00

Life's been a little...eh, lately. That's the only word I have to describe it. I'm stuck, and it's still just the start of the semester/year! The past week, things have felt a little...still. Immobile. That's how I've felt, like I've stopped moving.

I don't know what happened, but it never fails. I start building up my steam. I start really getting ready to go...and then suddenly my momentum drops away, and friction does the rest (another reason to hate physics...it's too reliable). I eventually come to a stop, and sometimes, I start to sink. I suppose that the only solution is to find a way to keep going, a way to unstick myself, something that I never find very easy.

I've barely been dragging along in my own life lately. For the past week, I've felt miserable, emotionally unstable, depressed, exhausted and sick, both physically and mentally. I've barely managed to keep my head above water, and I'm getting tired of just barely treading water, when I know, deep down, that I need to get moving again. This slow-motion isn't good enough for me.

I can't even place the triggers for what causes these...I keep wanting to say standstills, but I blame that on watching the entire Please Teacher series in one evening. That's the word for it, though...it's the perfect description. A standstill. Nothing happens to me, physically (not really, anyway), but mentally, I stop breathing. I stop treading water, and then it becomes a fight to keep from drowning.

So the fact that I am still treading water is a good thing (there's that little optimistic me again, finding that silver lining). I know this will pass, yes, I do. I am fully aware of that. I tell myself that everyday. I have to. I'd abandon all hope if I didn't. I have to have that little bit of hope, or I really will come to a standstill. I really will sink.

Right now I'm struggling to keep afloat. I don't know what direction to turn to keep going, I just know that I don't want to go down...not without a fight. Maybe that's the key that I keep missing. Maybe that's why I keep slowing down...I'm not fighting hard enough.

Well, all right then. I'll just have to fight harder.

Sing to Me

2005-01-28T01:32:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has known me for any length of time knows just how fond of music I am. I have incredibly eclectic tastes, and I will listen to everything from classical to tejano to country to pop to alternative rock and everything in between. My CD collection reflects my tastes a little, but not as well as my MP3 collection, which continues to grow...but so do the number of CDs I own. ;)

I tend to have to limit my CD purchases due to tight funds, but occasionally, I can't help myself, and I indulge my musical needs with a small splurge. I have been itching for a certain CD for quite awhile now, and for some reason, I failed to pick it up using the Target gift card I had received for my birthday back in December.

So today, the inner music lover, desperate for something new to stick into my CDplayer, refused to be denied, and I headed over to Target to find Leave a Whisper by Shinedown. Unfortunately, they didn't have it, so I started to head on home...but their song, "Burning Bright," came on just before the point of no return, and so I made my way to a nearby Wal-Mart.

They did have it. So I picked it up. Right above it was another CD that caught my eye, this one Mmhmm by Reliant K. I don't know what made me pick it up, but I did (the price didn't hurt, that's for sure). I know I've heard something by them, but at the time, I couldn't recall. I knew that M liked them, so I figured, hey, why not give the CD a listen, and so my one-CD-purchase splurge turned into two.

The Shinedown album was not a disappointment. The front man's voice is just incredibly amazing, and the CD as a whole is very good. As for my second purchase, I'm not upset about it. :) I'm still in the middle of listening to it, but I'm mostly finished with it. I'm impressed enough to say that I'm not disappointed in the purchase. I'll give the CD another spin tomorrow, but I think I can say with a good amount of certainty that I've found a new band to blare through my speakers. I've got no complaints ;)

At least for a little while, my music itch has been scratched.

"Ready to serve!"

2005-01-23T12:24:00.000-08:00

Several years ago (I can't remember how many now), my mom, sister and I, for whatever reason, decided to buy Warcraft II for my dad. He loved playing it, and we loved helping him out. At around level 14 or so, we got stuck and couldn't go any farther, and as this was before we started buying strategy guides to go with our more complex games, we didn't have one to keep going with. We got one, eventually, but we never went back to the game to finish it. More than once, I've thought about picking it up from my dad and bringing it up here to Houston to play on my own, but I think that might ruffle more than a few feathers, so I haven't.

That was my first, and until recently, last exposure to anything within the Warcraft world. My cousin, Marcus, had mentioned Warcraft III to me, but we never got around to trying it for ourselves, and he didn't seem all that happy with the game, anyway. I was content to continue life remembering the "good ol' days" of Warcraft II, though we never finished it.

Well, recently, I started hearing things about World of Warcraft. Marcus began raving about it. He had played it a few times, and loved it. My friend (henceforth to be known as S, or The Pusher) had also played it, and was continuing to play it. A lot. She seemed to always be on, and I started to get curious. Next thing I know, S is sending me a copy of the game, which I received this past Wednesday. I managed to resist the temptation long enough to not install the game until Thursday evening. S gave me her log in information, and let me at it.

I rue the day I agreed to let S send me the game. ;)

I've never played an MMORPG before. Ever. I had been interested in one when I started seeing things about Lineage II, but at the time it first came out, I wasn't so sure I'd like to pay monthly for a game AND the initial cost of the software, PLUS having a good computer to play on. I have since bought a much (MUCH) nicer computer than the one I had, and I played Yohoho! Puzzle Pirates long enough to get over my issues with paying for a game monthly. So having WoW dropped into my lap so easily was probably the next step.

I would just like to take this time to say that World of Warcraft is awesome. I have never played a game like it, and while it's possible that comment would be different had I played other MMORPGs before, from what I've heard and read about WoW from other people, it probably wouldn't be that much different of a comment.

The detail, the music, the graphics...they're all incredible. I can't think of another game that I have so readily dropped everything for to play...which is probably the only bad thing about it. I have no idea where my time goes when I log on to play. ;) Two, three, even four or five hours pass by in the blink of an eye...but it's worth it. To me, anyway.

I am still very much a newbie, but I learn more and more every time I play. As I'm still using my friend's account, and I will continue to do so for a little longer, at least, I'm trying not to build up any one character too much. I'm going to have to start all over again, after all. Because of that, I keep trying out different races, classes and Alliance/Horde affiliation as characters. The possibilities are numerous, as are the options to individualize your characters.

I never thought that any one game would draw me in so completely...and this one has most certainly done that. If you have been thinking about trying, but haven't made the jump yet, I very, very highly recommend this. Just beware that it is a Time Blackhole. :)

Five out of five stars, easily. ;)

Ready to Fly

2005-01-19T18:17:00.000-08:00

Well, my first week of classes of my very last semester as an undergrad student is officially over. I still have a few errands and details to take care of between now and the weekend, and I still have to actually apply for my graduation, but it has begun. There is only one class I haven't been to yet, and that's because classes weren't in session this past Monday, but I just know that it is going to be a good class, so I'm not particularly worried about it.

I adore being a literature student. I don't know how crazy I was attempting to study chemical engineering, electrical engineering (never officially), mechanical engineering and later, chemistry. Yes, I do love the sciences and maths, and yes, I had this knack for chemistry...but I see now that what I once thought was passion for chemistry was nothing more than a strong interest in something I was reasonably good at. It took me some years to realize what, deep down, I had always known: WORDS are my passion and my love...and they always have been.

I know that this last semester at university is going to be great. All three of my literature classes are being taught by professors I've had before, and the subject matter for each one is such that I know I will enjoy them. My fourth class is a Communication course, and while it covers an area I do not know all that much about, and it is not required for me to graduate, I believe that I will take something, and quite possibly a lot of somethings, from it, and I will do so very happily.

I've been thinking a lot about what's to come for me. I may not actually admit it to myself, but I believe I've been doing that kind of thinking for quite some time now, even on a subconscious level. I kind of referenced to it in my last entry; however, there's more to it than that. I've been doing a lot of growing up lately. I suppose it could be argued that I started growing up when I left my laid back hometown of Corpus Christi for the bustling city of Austin. I had all these notions of what I thought my life was going to be like and what my future was going to hold for me.

Boy, was I ever wrong.

I don't ever regret Austin, though...and I never will. I needed it. I needed that start to my growing up. Admittedly, I kind of plateaued when I finally made the smart decision of withdrawing from UT and moving away, but when I was finally given the opportunity to search for myself and my independence, I grew and rose to the occasion. Perhaps, though, my realization of what was happening to me, that I was growing up, maturing AND becoming happy, was when I eventually figured out I was approaching my life and my future all wrong. Chemistry wasn't where I needed to be, it was Literature and words that called me, and so I answered.

I can't even begin to describe the amount of change I've gone through since August of 2003, because I could never detail it all. I don't think that I am even fully aware of just what I've gone through. I know that I keep moving, that I have learned that I can't stop moving. I need to move, mentally, emotionally and physically. I need the movement in my life, I need the flow. I have spent the last 24 years of my life trying to find myself and my place...and with all the thinking I've been doing lately, all the wonderment I've beheld when I think about what my future holds, I realize how lucky and special and so very blessed I am.

I know it may be a little cheesy, but with all these thoughts, and more, running through my mind, and after sitting through my Literature of Adolescence professor's first-day-of-class, amusingly digressive lecture, hearing the song by Richard Marx, "Ready to Fly," hit me just right, and I have to smile...because you know something? It's so very true.

So please, forgive the extraordinary length of this post, but I need to share the lyrics:

"Ready to Fly" by Richard Marx

I've been trying to open the door
To the secret of my destiny
And every new road I think is the one
Seems to lead right back to me

I've looked for a way to be wiser
A way to be strong
Now I see the answer was hiding
In me all along

And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

Restless, hopeless, and misunderstood
Like so many others I know
So busy tryin' to keep holdin' on
When I should've been letting go

I was given the gift to find it
The spirit inside me
But I never really imagined
All I could be

And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

The answer to all of my wonder
Was right in my hands
Now it's time for me to discover
All that I am

And I'm ready to fly
Over the sun
Like a rocket to heaven
And I'm ready to soar
Right through the sky
Never dreamed I'd find something to lift me so high
I've always had wings
But I wasn't ready to fly

I've always had wings
Now I'm finally ready to fly

Restless Nights

2005-01-17T23:03:00.000-08:00

Anyone who has known me for any length of time, knows that I have suffered from various forms of insomnia for years, and I do mean years. I can remember having problems sleeping when I was a little girl of about 6 or 7. Some nights, months, years, are better than others, but I always come full circle, and the restless nights return. It would seem that time is upon me again.

I can never decide if the sleepless nights are a blessing, or a curse. I suppose many would argue that they are a curse, but it can't be denied that sometimes, a wakeful night can bring quite a lot of productivity with it. That isn't normally the case, though...at least not with me, or at least not to the degree that I wish they were.

I do get a lot of thinking done, though. My mind tends to wander through various paths when left to itself on quiet nights. The thoughts are both good and bad. I sometimes think about my future, and where my life is headed; what possibilities await for me, and what adventures I may have. I sometimes think about my past, and where I've been, the people I've known and loved...and lost. Sometimes it's hard to think about the past, and sometimes it's hard to think about the future.

I like to plan on my restless nights. For some reason, when insomnia just won't loosen its grasp on me, I like to plan. I plan out my days, weeks and future. Most often, those plans never make it to fruition, but I plan, anyway, even knowing that. I plan because it gives me something to work towards, a goal to aim for. Maybe I won't make it, and maybe all the pieces I want to fall into place won't, but that's okay. If even one thing does, that's a start.

"Daydreaming" is another common way for me to spend the nights when sleep eludes me. I cling to the belief that sometimes, if I just stay in bed with my eyes closed, pretending to be asleep, I may eventually make it happen. There isn't too much for me to do aside from think while lying prone in bed, so I tend to daydream when my mind gets tired of its usual thought paths. The daydreaming is good for me. It allows me the escape I long for from my reality, and many times, it provides my fickle muse to plant the seeds of a story...which is always nice.

While I can almost always figure out something to do with my endless nights, I can rarely explain the why of them. I'm so used to going through phases where I don't fall asleep until 3 or 4 in the morning for several weeks straight, and then suddenly I'll have a few days when I'm passed out on my bed by 11:30. Sometimes, I think it's "just that time" for the insomnia to hit, other times, I think my inability to sleep is the result of stress, or an overly busy mind (which I have spades of), and then there are times when I think that, perhaps, a small part of my restlessness is a longing for movement. A need to be moving, dancing, laughing, smiling...to remind myself that I burn with passion for life.

And I think that is the reason for tonight's restlessness. I admit that yes, I slept in late yesterday, and sure, that might have something to do with it, but I am tired. I know that if I wanted to, I could easily sleep, if it were any other day...

But tomorrow is the start of a new semester, of my last semester. Yes, there is the smallest hint of anxiety because of it, but it is by no means enough to keep me awake. It's the wonder at what the next 5 months are going to bring, at the changes that I know are going to occur, that keep my mind alert. I know that to be the case, because I am smiling as I type this crazy entry up. I cannot wait for this semester to get going.

My heart and mind quiver with anticipation of the days, weeks and months to come. I am restless with the need to make things happen, to rush to greet the changes I know are coming. I know that not everything will be easy...in fact, I have a feeling a great majority of it will be very hard for me to adjust to...but that's part of the experience.

I suppose I really should wrap this up, though...it really is getting late, and I really do have quite a few errands to do tomorrow before my first class.

Oh, who am I kidding...who can sleep on a night like this?

New Year, Open Eyes

2005-01-07T20:56:00.000-08:00

This post should have gone up almost a week ago. I meant to make it back on the first, but it just didn't turn out that way. Ah, well.

The first week of 2005 has been...interesting. I wonder how much of a reflection of the rest of the year it really is. If it's any sign of what's to come, I have a feeling I'm in for a rather painful year. Growing experiences, right? Sure.

I've only been back in H-Town for a little over 24 hours. My room was in the same whirlwind mess state I had left it in. It is nice to know that some things don't really change. I still haven't unpacked yet, but I'm not letting it bother me so much. I'm enjoying this moment, sitting at my desk, drinking hot chocolate from the new mug I got from M and listening to music. This is contentment to me.

I've been pondering over what this blog is going to be for. What it is going to mean to me, and what I hope to use it for. Panta Rhei is the title I chose: "everything flows, nothing stands still." It's perfect. That is Life. I could have no other title. My life has always been about flow, about movement, even those moments when I feel like I'm standing still. Something is moving, something is changing. That is the only constant I feel like I can cling to...the fact that change is always happening; nothing stands still. Nothing stops.

Last year was a big year for me. A lot of things happened, and a lot of things changed. I know that this year is only going to bring more of the same, and on an even grander scale. So many big decisions, and so many big events will be happening this year. And that's only counting the things I am for certain about...that doesn't even begin to take into account the stuff I have not yet forseen, or thought about.

Perhaps that is what this blog is for. A chronicle of the flow of my life.

Hey, it works for me.

Test Post

2004-12-29T23:34:00.000-08:00

Well, I've gone and done it. I've created a blog...now we just have to see how well this thing will go over, yes?