Coming out of my cage

It's strange. I've never really been much of a social person. I mean, I like going out from time to time, but I've always believed myself to be way too shy to go out on a regular basis. I still believe that, and I do occasionally have a hard time functioning around people I don't know well.

I have been trying to do better, though, little bit by little bit.

It helps that I've moved in with a couple who likes to go out and do things. M in particular. :) It gets me out of the apartment much more than I used to. The weeks may be quiet, but the weekends, we actually do some stuff.

If I were still at home, or in Houston...the extent of my going out would be to get some fast food dinner, or visiting family.

Now, I do things like eat out, go to the movies and check out street festivals. It's not much yet, but it's a start. :)

Yesterday, we went to the Magnolia Cafe. I had the Cabo san Lucas, one of the house specialties with mushrooms and zucchini. I wish I were more of a photographer to offer pictures, but I'm not (plus I don't have a digital camera). You'll have to settle for me saying that it was pretty good. ;)

After dinner, we came home, and M and I decided to go see a movie. We settled on Corpse Bride. It was a cute; I liked it. I would probably not buy it, but I'd definitely see it again. It was quite pretty, though! And I liked the music. I'd recommend seeing it at least once.

That's another thing I don't do very often...go to the movie theater and see movies. See NEW movies, no less. It can be a little wearing on the wallet, but it is definitely worth it to get out of the apartment for a couple of hours of recreational movie watching.

Earlier this afternoon, we headed to 6th Street and the Old Pecan Street Fall Arts Festival. It was hot, and by the time we got home, I was tired, worn out, a little hungry and my feet hurt, but I still enjoyed walking through the crowds and looking at the different booths of art, trinkets and jewelry. It's just my thing! I've always enjoyed doing that, and now I have someone else to go with. I wound up purchasing a pretty choker necklace with a cute dragonfly set with black and really dark red stones for 5$, and a small little pewter dragon on a pretty stone (marble?) for 4$. I collect dragon statues/statuettes, so it's right at home on my bookshelf.

Despite the heat and the crowds of people, and all the walking (I have tanlines on my feet from my flipflops!), I thought it was a nice way to pass the afternoon.

This time around, Austin feels so different. I lived here for a little over 2 and a half years....but I rarely left campus. Outside of what I could immediately walk to, or where my mom, my sister and I went to when they visited me, I never really got a chance to see the city. It's all different this time. I'm living with a couple who are just as new to Austin as I am. I can still get excited about going to this place or that place for the first time, or for the second time because the first time was over 5 years ago. It makes me happy to live with people who share similar interests, who want to go see the same things I might want to...who actually do go to these places.

I feel more free now than I have in a long time.

Starting Over. Again

This blog is probably overdue for an update....so here goes.

I'm finally in Austin. Home, sweet home.

It feels great to be settling into my own room again. It's MINE. No one else's. I don't have to share it with anyone else, and I don't have to worry about being in someone's way. There's no TV on unless I want it on. The only music played is what I want to hear. I have my privacy again.

Call me selfish if you want, but I am very happy to have space that belongs to no one else but me again. Six weeks is way. too. long. to live out of a suitcase.

The move was relatively painless, actually...considering I've been working on it for a few weeks now. A carload here, a carload there, then one major truckload to get just about everything else up here. I came up with my final load on Saturday, and I've since been spending my time off and on unpacking. I get a little more done with each day, but it's obvious I'm slowing down. I'm running out of steam to continue unpacking...which means a lot of things are staying in boxes.

Like my art supplies.

I'm just making sure I can read my labels, and then sliding them onto one of the shelves in my closet. I don't like doing that, but it helps with storage, anyway. I'm really down to two major boxes, and some miscellaneous items/boxes/bags scattered about my room.

I even already have some of my trinkets out, and some things on the wall. I'm doing everything I can to make myself comfortable in my room. I spend a lot of time in here.

As for things aside from the actual moving process? Well....I'm still adjusting.

It's not like I'm not used to having roommates, this is just different, I guess. My roommates are married, plus there are two cats. So overall, I'm trying to get used to it. I have a feeling it might be awkward for a little longer, but I know that eventually, things will be normal. M has been great, though. It's nice to have someone to chat with from time to time during the day. I need to work on my RL interaction skills, though! I'm so used to typing everything I want to say out, that actually conversing on the same kinds of topics we do online is still weird for me!

But all things in time. :)

So the move went okay, and I'm adjusting to my new home all right....the only thing left on the menu is to find a job. Right now, I'll settle with anything that pays....but I would really love to find something that I want to do, not something I have to do, because there are bills to be paid.

But I guess all the pieces of my life can't fall into place at once, right? There has to be something to work for.

M and I are back to plotting again, too...this time something a little different, and perhaps a little more doable. I look forward to working on it some more. ^_^

I guess that's all for now. I wish I had some spiffy links, or some nice pictures, but I don't. Maybe one of these days I'll turn this into a "proper blog"....until then, you have to settle for journaling. ;)

New Beginnings

It certainly has been awhile since I posted last. There are less things up in the air with my life, and more definites. And besides, it's been awhile since I've had a genuinely happy post here.

I made the decision about where to next call home. As a matter of fact, it's no longer just a decision, it's a fact. I have a new address all ready for me, I just won't be moving in until September.

I'm going to Austin. It's been settled. I took M up on her offer, and I'll be joining her, her husband and two affectionate cats in September. When I agreed back in June, it felt like a weight was lifted from my shoulders. Knowing where I was going to live was solved.

I still need a job, yes...but I have a place to call home. For the moment, that's enough.

It feels like things are slowly falling into place again. I'm excited about my life again. I have so much to look forward to...so many things to accomplish, and it feels good to discover that I can be happy again.

I've been spending too much time lately stressed out and depressed. To finally find myself floating on a cloud again, even if only for a moment...it's enough to keep me pushing forward. I can't wait for September to get here!

I still have a huge list of things to get accomplished, of course. It's not like I have any less to do, it's just that I feel like basking for a moment in the sun. My life feels warm and real again.

It feels like something new.

My life is changing every day. I'm changing every day, and I love it...I really love it.

Home is where...

Up until I left for college, the only home I had ever known was this small, 2 bedroom, 1 bath house that I grew up in. Across the street, in a two-story house with no central air conditioning lived my grandparents. Next to them, on a huge lawn, lived my three great aunts, and next to them lived my aunt and my cousins.

Sure, the neighborhood I grew up in was a little...scary, but I had the security of family all around me. My aunt and uncle even owned the little house next to ours, which they rented out or stayed in when they visited (which is where their son, my cousin, is currently staying).

That was my life, in the small little subtown of Flour Bluff in Corpus Christi. Fifteen minutes from wonderful beach, five minutes from my school, a short walk from the water of the Laguna Madre. The sunrises were gorgeous, and the night sky had endless stars.

Corpus and this little house I'm in right now was the only home I had ever known. I remember thinking in HS that I needed to get out of here...that I needed something bigger than this laid back city...so I went to a college 4 hours away in Austin.

The fall of 1999 marked a new beginning for me. In the next 6 years that followed, I packed and unpacked all of my belongings over 14 times, and I lived in almost 8 different places, from dorms, to converted study lounges, to apartments (and even a brief stint back home). I have had over 15 roommates (3 of which were family members).

I have become no stranger to pulling up my roots and moving, mostly because I have had no choice. I have been at UFA for over 2 years, and that's the longest I've been anywhere since I first moved into Kinsolving in August of '99.

I've learned how to adapt to different places quickly, and the term "home" has come to mean, very simply, the place that I am sleeping at. There's more to it, of course, but I've discovered that if I'm staying any place for more than a night or two, I will generally refer to it as "home" when I'm out. "Are we going home now? ...I mean, are we going back to [fill in the blank]'s place?"

It's so simple for me now. Home is wherever I need it to be, wherever I have a chance to become comfortable. Those are just the passing "homes," though...but even ignoring those transient homes, I still have two places that I easily refer to as Home. Corpus, of course...my hometown, and Houston (for now).

When I'm in Houston, I talk about going Home, to Corpus....and when I'm in Corpus, Houston is the Home to which I inevitably need to return.

That's just the way things are...and I know I'm not the only one who has called two places home simultaneously. It's just...well, I've been thinking about "home" and where it is a lot lately. It seems everyone in my family expects me to "come home" when my lease is up in August. More than once it has been said, "When you come back..."

I have told them all, again and again, returning to Corpus is a last resort for me. If I cannot find anything, then yes, I will drag myself back to the city I have always loved, but...live at home? No. It's impossible. How? How could I possibly live here again? I can barely survive a month within these walls, and that's even having the knowledge that it's only a "visit"...how could I possibly live in the living room for longer than that? How can they expect that of me?

There is no "going home" for me...not back here to Corpus. Yes, this is my home, and it will always be Home to me, but it's not where I belong. It hurts me to think about that, but there is no life for me here, at least I don't think there is one. I've lived away from here for too long. There is no going back for me.

Ignoring the fact that there would be no place for just my stuff, and the impracticality of me living in the living room, everything here is different. It's not My Home any more. It's called change....living here could never be what it once was.

Everything is different. I am different.

Where is My Home going to be when September gets here?

**Disconnected**

It's strange. I have been wanting to sit down and write up an entry for almost a month now...but every time I sit down and try, nothing comes. I feel like I have all this inside I want to post about, and yet...nothing at all. My life is boring and empty, and I really feel is disconnected from everyone and everything around me.

It's been almost a month since graduation. I don't feel any different. I mostly just feel lazy, to be honest. I've been down in Corpus ever since the 15th of May. I really meant to go back to Houston last week...honest I did...but I didn't.

I think part of it is because I don't want to go back. I don't want to face what "being graduated" means...

So I idle at home, doing nothing better with my time but playing World of Warcraft and making cheesy graphics. I watch some TV and some movies and some anime, but it's all mostly nonproductive. What happened to all the plans I had? I don't know. What happened to all the goals I was going to set for myself and work towards? Beats me.

I sit at home almost every day...doing absolutely nothing worthwhile...and I'm too lazy to feel like I need to do anything about it. Frankly, it's beginning to depress me.

I thought I was going to go back to Houston on Monday...but I didn't. And then I figured, hey, why not Tuesday to avoid the mad Memorial Day traffic rush...which didn't pan out. I convinced myself that I wanted to stay and see if I could spend some more time with my dad, but that's not really happening.

I keep making excuses for myself because I don't want to go back to Houston and face the reality I inevitably need to. Here in Corpus, I can disconnect myself from every thing and every one. I don't like losing touch, but at the same time, the avoidance of it all keeps away the reminders that I will eventually have to go back to Houston.

And I do this all the time.

I have to go back this weekend, though. I have to. I cannot leave any choices for myself.

Sometimes it's so hard to make myself disconnect from WoW...for some reason, it's harder to reconnect to the Real World.

That Funny Feeling

I have been having problems with my tummy for...years now. Off and on, my stomach will just start to bother me. I never know if it's the food that I'm eating, or if my stress levels are up, or if it's some combination of both, or neither. It can get very frustrating, at times. Being unable to sleep because I feel so sick to my stomach, or finding it difficult to have an appetite for anything, when I know it'll just make me feel bad.

But I don't always feel that way, and that is my consolation. There are periods of time, sometimes weeks, where my stomach does not bother me at all. I can eat and drink what I want, because nothing bothers me. I don't even need to keep the Tums stocked or make sure that I still have at least one more dose of Pepto-Bismol.

The past month has not been one of those months, however. Heck, since January, more often than not, some trigger has caused me to feel decidedly sick to my stomach. It's gotten worse in the past week. I have found it difficult to sleep these last few nights because, it doesn't matter what I ate or when, I feel utterly sick to my stomach when I lay down. I passed it off as stress, because my stress levels have been unusually high these past couple of weeks. Papers and articles and reading and tying up of classwork has been keeping me busy. My procrastination tendencies have made sure that my stress level is not wanting.

But my last paper has been sent off...all that now stands between me and graduation is a single, short, oral presentation, and four finals. Once the 9th breezes past me, I will be left with 4 days of anxious waiting and praying...hoping that I didn't manage to royally screw up my chances of graduation.

It's almost over, you see. Graduation is merely 14 days away. Whether my name is called and I crossed that stage at 7pm on the 13th of May is all that is left to be decided....but I do believe that, finally, my time has come.

So what is this funny feeling in my stomach now? Is it still stress? Yes. No doubt about it. I am still worried about my finals, especially for one class in specific. But I'll find a way to get through that. I have faith and hope that yes, I will be crossing that stage a graduate of UHCL in two weeks. But there's something else to this feeling...

I'm anxious...and, yes, for the first time, I can honestly say that I'm excited. I can't sleep because I have a million things running through my mind. I am restless, and that shows in my insomnia and this funny feeling that keeps fluttering in my stomach.

I'm excited. And it makes me smile. Despite everything else I'm feeling...no matter the worry and the fear and the stress and the anxiousness...part of it is excitement.

And that's enough to keep me moving.

Anticipation, that funny feeling inside.

Potpourri (Part II)

Well, it's not so surprising that I didn't follow up my last entry as soon as I'd like. That's just the way I tend to let things happen. Ah, well. I'm sure this post will probably be in the same vein as I had anticipated my other one being.

Family has been family. It is generally a pleasant break to be out of my apartment and around people I can be comfortable with. It's just so much easier to be myself that way. This past weekend (April 9th & 10th), my family participated in the same arts&crafts fair they participated in last year. More food, less stuff, for their booth (excellent food, I might add...though I own I am probably fairly biased). However, there just seemed to be a lot less people. I don't think they did nearly as well as they had hoped...and so they probably will not be participating next year.

Besides, the restaurant should be up and running by then. *fingers crossed*

The time change that occured a little over a week ago has been very good for me. The turning of the seasons and the advancement of Spring always lifts my spirit. I feel as though I have been hybernating all winter long in the darkness, and now, I have a little light, and I'm starting to wake up again.

Classes have been...eh. I adore my professors, and I love the courses I chose to take this semester...I just...my heart has been out of me for so long. I have in no way done these classes the justice they deserved. The good news is that I am practically caught up in 3 of my 4 courses, and while I actually fear for the fourth class that I have recklessly abandoned, all I can do now is keep plodding along with my work, and hope that in the end, I did enough.

This weekend is most definitely going to be all about writing and reading, though. Without a doubt.

I finally received notification from UHCL about graduation. So long as I "successfully complete" all three of my literature classes, there is nothing that should keep me from graduating this term, as I've been planning on. Most excellent news to hear, let me tell you, and quite the relief. I've been a little anxious that somehow, somewhere along the line, I'd screwed up and miscalculated or something...and that this something would prevent me from finally walking across the stage as a college graduate.

That fear is ended now, and so long as I survive these next few weeks, and so long as my grades manage to come out tolerable....this is it. I also received a notice that my graduation announcements have finally been shipped today. I should have them before the end of the week. Maybe a trip out to spend some time with my mom addressing them this weekend may be in order, so they're out by this coming Monday.

That'd be better than trying to do them all myself.

My moment comes closer and closer with every day that passes. My fear and anxiety and stress levels remain high, but there is still anticipation for what is to come...and that helps to keep me going.

Life doesn't stop, I shouldn't, either.

There. That's it. A little mix of everything.